I See London, I See France
by Pen Against Sword
Summary: Yuffie's decides it's high time she explores the last frontier, the unknown variable! The ventilation shafts on the Shera. But she gets more than she bargains for in the way of Avalanche having monstrous skeletons in their collective closets. [Mild YxV]


"GODDAMMIT!"

"CID, STOP CURSING!"

It was just another ordinary day for Avalanche. Fighting crime and the forces of evil. Someone needed help with something obscure and probably not all that life-threatening, and after the whole Deepground fiasco, and that little incident with Meteor and Sephiroth, the members of the ragtag group had become something resembling the Planet's resident superheroes. Whenever something serious (or NOT serious, as it was) occurred, the team was called upon to slay the big bad enemy while everyone else ran around and peed their collective trousers.

The heroes themselves were waiting for the _Shera_ to reach the proper destination.

Cid was smoking like the proverbial freight train, chugging enough fumes to bring down a bull elephant; Cloud was gelling his hair up, staring intensely into the mirror at his own reflection; Tifa was playing chess with Red XIII while Barret playfully attempted to sneak the chess pieces away while neither of them were looking. All was going according to plan so far. Curiously enough, two members of their little band were missing….

"OUCH! SHIT!"

Yuffie's voice echoed and ricocheted off the cheap metal walls of the ventilation system in which she was traipsing about. She glared at her elbow as though it hurt because of something the appendage had done. She didn't consider the fact that she happened to be _crawling_ in an _air duct_.

She continued on her way, spluttering as dust coated the skin on her face and mingled in her hair, turning the normally dark strands an ashy gray. It was lucky she had that flashlight helmet on her head or she wouldn't be able to see in the dark space. She imagined that she looked daring and stealthy. She actually looked like a raccoon _attempting_ to be sneaky. The raccoon image was helped by the black robber's mask she had cut out of construction paper and tied on her face with twine.

As she crawled, she hummed theme music for herself. It helped her discard the thought that if Cid found out what she was doing, he would rip out her throat. With his teeth. He wouldn't be pleased that she was wriggling through his air conditioning system.

So far she had found some disturbing things that the corridors of the _Shera_ apparently concealed. There was a room the size of a janitor's closet that she hadn't known existed. The strange thing was, it hadn't been filled with janitor supplies (she wasn't sure that the _Shera_ _had_ a janitor). The walls had been lined with boxes brimming with cigarettes. All the way to the ceiling they reached. It was a like a pit filled with doom and emphysema. She had peered through the grate and into said room, contemplated it briefly, and then decided it was better for her physical and mental health to just leave it be.

She was approaching another of those kinds of grates, so she took the time to pause and glance into the room. There were several pairs of beaten-up combat boots scattered around the floor, interspersed with dirty socks lying around. The bedcovers were a plain, light blue checkered pattern. Yuffie guessed that it was one of the rooms situated for Avalanche and the crew in the case of prolonged flights or stays in one area. It happened quite often.

She was preparing to move on when something shiny caught her eye. It was like a pile of gold to a dragon. You don't flash something shiny at Yuffie and expect her not to investigate. Fate, the cold-hearted whore, knew that fact very well, and was using it to Her advantage, obviously.

Yuffie fished around in her shorts for her trusty screwdriver. She always kept it there, much to the screwdriver's dismay. It wasn't into interspecies dating like that, man. She made short work of the grate separating her from the room and leapt nimbly down onto the floor.

Zeroing in like a guided missile, she scrambled over to the sparkling object, snatching it up eagerly. Unfortunately for her, she hadn't noticed what it was before she made skin contact. When she _did_ fully process its identity however…

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

If anyone had been there to witness the spectacle, they would've sworn pigs were flying. Or pink thongs. Pink, sparkly thongs. The screwdriver, from its vantage point in her shorts, was very surprised indeed at the latest development.

Yuffie rolled onto the floor, dodging socks and boots, attempting to wipe away the contamination of the offending object. "NO! I'LL CATCH MANTHONG DISEASE!" She spit on her hands and rubbed them all over the sheets on the bed. After finding the thong and stomping on it, she felt a little more like herself and calmed down considerably.

That was when a thought hit her. Maybe the thong was Tifa's. She didn't think Tifa was much of a pink-wearing kinda gal, but then again, you never knew with certain people. Maybe there were some more articles of Tifa's clothing with which to incriminate the voluptuous bartender. The young ninja had been trying for five whole years to uncover the exact details to Tifa's and Cloud's relationship, and she wasn't about to pass up the perfect opportunity to do so. Yuffie started searching the room, checking under the bed and around the door that led to the closet.

She opened the closet, overly curious, and began to rummage around, making sure to be very thorough. There was nothing of note except a small locked trunk shoved in the corner, hidden under a pair of shoes. Yuffie felt bad for the poor locked trunk, so she snatched it and yanked it out, and also yanked out her trusty screwdriver, taking some time to pick the lock on the front of the trunk. It took a little more time than usual because the screwdriver was bigger than her lockpicks that she didn't have with her, but she managed.

One look in that chest nearly made her scream again. The scream itself, however, was so frightened that it beat a hasty retreat, foregoing emerging from Yuffie's mouth to instead have a lively conversation with the polka dancers that had taken up residence in her colon.

Slowly, pinching the corners of the fabric like it was some sort of offending, smelly trash, she pulled out a racy red satin negligee, draped in revealing, artfully placed lace and ruffles. After that came a pair of red stiletto heels and underneath that was, to her horror, a horse crop, a pair of handcuffs, and what looked like a gag.

Squeaking in alarm, Yuffie dropped it all and dove into the nearby bed, hiding her face in the pillows. Then she thought of what could have gone on in that bed and choked down the vomit rising in her throat. Apparently, the scream had invited a friend along to make its way into the world. She scrabbled at her face, attempting to rid herself of the image of Cloud dressed in sexy lingerie.

"The horror!" she choked raspily. With great haste, she packed everything back how it had been and threw it into the closet, nearly tripping over herself as she sprang back into the air duct and closed the vent behind her. She scrambled away as fast as she could, heedless of the amount of eggs or noise she was making with her scrambling.

**In Another Part of the Ship**

"Did you hear something?" asked Red XIII, cocking his head to the side curiously. The others listened along with him. They didn't hear anything.

"Nope."

"I don't hear anything."

Cid rapped the wall nonchalantly with his knuckles. "Wall weasels."

They all looked at him for a moment, then went back to what they had been doing before.

"Your move, Red."

Red shrugged as best a cat-dog-lion-thing _can_ shrug and wished he had opposable thumbs so that he could move his king out of check without having to slobber on it.

**With Yuffie**

Once she was out of range of the offending things she had found in Cloud's room, Yuffie stopped for a breather, panting partly from horror and partly from exhaustion after that arduous crawl out of there. She'd have to repress those memories somehow. Once she was out of there, she decided she'd just beat her head against the wall a few good times. At least until blood was drawn.

She charged onward, wondering if she'd ever find her way out, when she happened upon another interesting slatted grate in the tunnel. Almost afraid of what she'd see, she took a very, very quick look through the cracks. Pastel colors met her eyes, welcoming her with cheerful, happy warm things. Like fluffy clouds or the internal organs of a duckling.

She couldn't resist. Out came the screwdriver, off went the vent cover, and down went Yuffie. All around her were bunnies and frolicking kittens and huggable, fuzzy creatures. They were in the molding, they were printed on the quilts of the bed, and there were so. many. POSTERS. There were posters _everywhere_. Pinks and light greens and sky blues and butter yellow. It was like a unicorn had gotten severely wasted and barfed all over the walls.

Yuffie wondered to whom the room belonged. It was possible that Marlene took up residence there, but Yuffie doubted it since Marlene could rarely be bothered to go on missions with them, and Barret's head would explode with rage if she was ever placed in harm's way.

Yuffie was still wondering who the hell would sleep in a room that pretty until her eyes fell on shiny metal casing. It was the spare outer shell to Barret's gun arm. This indicated to Yuffie that maybe it _was_ Marlene's room, until she noticed that the bedcovers were rumpled and there was a giant pink, fuzzy robe lying across the bed. It sort of looked like a dead Easter bunny. The scary and pathetic part was that it was Barret-sized.

Needless to say, she beat a hasty retreat, and the screwdriver was only too happy to replace the screws on the shaft and depart.

Yuffie had pretty much decided she was just going to find her way out of the doom-corridors of the doomy air conditioning vent. So far her escapades had only brought her horrors untold. And doom galore.

It was only a little while before Yuffie realized she was lost in the air ducts. She wasn't too worried, seeing as her super-secret-ninjas-skillz-of-awesome would help her defeat her nemesis of Not Knowing Where the Hell She Was.

Yuffie imagined that the sound of her knees hitting the aluminum of the air conditioning ducts made for an interesting, percussive rhythm. It seemed to go perfectly with the phrase "Cloud's a bleeding, gag-eating, self-whipping, thong-wearing, freaky, scary, creepy, in-the-closet masochist." Okay, so that didn't fit all that well. She tried "Barret wears giant pink bunny footy-pajamas to sleep and his sheets have kitties all over them and he probably colors with Marlene," but that didn't work all that well either, and plus, it was freaking her out.

Shortly after decided _not_ to look into the musical aspect of her journey, Yuffie came upon a crossroads. She was going to choose the right path, except, upon further inspection, she realized that there was a rotting carcass of a rat inhabiting that pathway. She had _told_ Cid there was a stink on the ship, but her theory of Cloud having an accident hadn't held true.

Oh! Lookee! Another slat to investigate. Curious still, even after all the horrors already presented to her, she took a peek. There were rubber squeaky toys on the floor, so she worked her magic and slipped down to the floor, realizing it was Red XIII's room. She was amused by the rubber chew toys, picking a few up and tossing them about the room. She never imagined that Red would _actually_ have squeaky toys.

But then she looked at the walls.

She screamed. She couldn't help it. She screamed and screamed and screamed until her lungs gave out and she collapsed onto the ground, clawing at her eyes and scrabbling at her body as if the pain would rid her of the horrifying images burned into her retinas. She couldn't believe it. Not Nanaki! Not mild-mannered Red XIII, the good-natured hybrid who always answered her stupid questions and didn't get annoyed.

To her absolute horror, the walls were covered in pictures of dogs and cats in…er…compromising positions.

THOSE WEREN'T CHEW TOYS!

Yuffie sprinted for the exit, leaping up and grabbing the edges of the hole in the ceiling, scrambling in like the hounds of hell were chasing her. Which, in fact, they weren't, but those pictures of dogs just might have been the hounds of hell. Or the hounds of porn. Whichever worked better.

It really was time to quit discovering her teammates' dirty secrets. It was very disturbing. She feared that she would never be the same after this. _Oh well,_ she thought and shrugged. Onward!

Sensing that she was coming to the end of her ventilation journey, she discovered one more grate. She was determined not to look this time. Her curiosity had only brought her horrors untold. SHE DIDN'T NEED IT. She gritted her teeth. _No, Yuffie! You must resist! MUST RESIST!_ In the end, she looked anyway, her curiosity irresistible.

It was a seemingly normal room with a double-wide bed, layered with rumpled sheets and a quilt, all in pleasant shades of dark green. The door to the closet was ajar. Yuffie didn't see anything else to indicate whose room it might have been until her eyes landed on the pair of shiny, bronze-toed boots placed neatly at the foot of the bed. She grinned wickedly, anticipating a lovely opportunity to get some dirt on Vincent. She just hoped it wouldn't be too detrimental to her already-crumbling mental state. The screwdriver held the same hopes.

Dropping down onto the floor was easy stuff, and as she perused the room, Yuffie was starting to see that there really wasn't anything to see there. She noticed another door that she hadn't been able to see from her vantage point in the ceiling and took a quick look through the door, discovering that it was a small bathroom with a standing glass shower, toilet, and sink. Lucky Vincent got privileges. No one else had a bathroom in their room.

A noise outside the door alerted Yuffie of incoming danger, and she realized someone was coming into the bedroom with her. Not wanting to get caught, she made a flying leap for the closet and dove into it, leaving it slightly cracked, like it had been before. She had no doubt that Vincent would notice anything different in his bedroom. She only hoped that he would not have to go into the closet for any reason.

Carefully pressing her eye to the crack between the doorframe and the door, Yuffie watched as Vincent stepped into the room and walked over to the bathroom. She almost breathed a sigh of relief, thinking she'd be able to escape once more, but then he came right back out, causing her heart to pound anew. The sound of running water was coming from the bathroom, and she figured he was letting the water heat up before he stepped into the shower.

To her horror, that line of logic led to the next stop in the sequence, which was…Vincent getting naked. Her eyes bulged as she realized this, and she was about to back away from her viewing slot when Vincent's pale hands rose to the collar of his cloak and started unfastening the buckles that held it there. She stared, fascinated, unable to pull away. She always _had_ kind of wondered what exactly he wore underneath that cloak…

The dramatic red fabric fell to the floor with a soft hiss, and Yuffie watched as Vincent continued to shed clothing, releasing his hair from the confines of his headband. It bushed out even more when untied, sticking up in odd, wild directions. He worked on his shirt next, yanking it out of the waistband of his pants and tossing it over his head.

He sat down on the bed and began pulling off his boots as Yuffie admired the lean muscles in his torso, rippling slightly as he worked at the tight leather footwear. His skin was marred with pale scars, rising slightly from his skin as they crisscrossed over his chest and shoulders. He had broad shoulders tapering down into narrow hips. His abdomen was layered with firm muscles, creating a delightfully flat stomach for Yuffie to ogle. A thin trail of black hair twined down from his belly button, disappearing into the edge of his trousers.

The boots and socks were off. Yuffie watched his hands, seemingly in slow motion, drift to the waistband of his jeans and release the catches on the belts there. He stood and let the article of clothing drop to the floor, stepping out of it and revealing that he wore black cotton boxers. She sighed in relief, glad that it hadn't been something odd like little pink elephants or yellow screwdrivers. Yeah, that would've been creepy.

All these thoughts were to distract her from the fact that she was anticipating the removal of his undergarments. Not that she wanted to admit she was anticipating it, not even to herself, but she _was_. Her mouth went suddenly dry as he pushed the boxers down and onto the floor to rest with his pants. She stared, trying not to let her mouth fall open. She gave up after a moment, conceding that there was no one there to make fun of the stupid look on her face.

Although, if there had been someone there, she reckoned the other person would be too busy studying Vincent's…assets…to pay any attention. If the screwdriver in her shorts had suddenly grown a mouth and been able to voice its opinion on her voyeurism, she wouldn't have noticed. She was going to hell for this, she knew, but she was enjoying it too much to care.

The dark-haired sharpshooter disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him, and it took Yuffie a moment to collect her wits. They had fallen out of her open mouth and started prancing about on the floor, singing songs about how turned on she was. She slapped them when she got them back, firmly telling her wits to shut the hell up and quit embarrassing her.

She made a running dash on extremely light feet and jumped, dangling from the lip of the hole and slipping quietly back into the vent, where she used the now-horrified and traumatized screwdriver to set everything back to where it was supposed to be. After that, it didn't take her long to find the path into the more traveled parts of the airship and she made her hasty escape.

Yuffie Kisaragi decided then and there that she would put the past hour-and-a-half's events out of her mind for good.

-.-

Yuffie Kisaragi had decided that putting the events out of her mind for good was easier said than done.

After completing the mission as usual, Yuffie had returned home to Wutai and her home full of cats, intending to get some well-deserved sleep. Slipping into her warm pallet and the sanctity of her enormous stack of pillows had been pure bliss. She had skipped off to dreamland of all happy ninjas: kicking butt and taking names.

Imagine her surprised when, in the middle of a particularly nice dream where she was kindly telling Sephiroth "_bite me_," Barret entered, wearing a bunny costume that covered his entire body, all but his face, complete with footy soles, ears, cotton tail, and a butt flap for pit stops. He was brandishing a drool-covered, slightly nibbled carrot at Sephiroth, who had been in the process of groveling to Yuffie for mercy.

Yuffie stared at him in horror for a moment, and then glared. "Barret!" dream-Yuffie yelled. "What the hell are you doing? This is _my dream!_ You're supposed to be buried in the file of things in my brain labeled 'Things to Be Tortured in Hell With When I Die'!"

He grinned cheekily and said in an extremely peppy voice, "But, YUUUUUUFFIEKINS! I'm your _frieeeeeeend_." His voice took on an extremely creepy quality at the word 'friend' and Yuffie found that she was very afraid. She was choosing to forget that he had called her 'Yuffiekins.' It was too sickening to even contemplate. Not unless she wanted to throw up her intestines. She was fond of her intestines, though, so she opted for keeping them in her body.

"Barret, you _are_ my friend…but…but you would never say that. Barret, have you been taking Cid's drugs?"

"No, of course not! Yuffie, drugs are BAD FOR YOU! Give Barret-Bunny a HUG!"

Yuffie made a break for it, diving into a hole in the ground. Barret was too big to follow. She could hear him yelling from where she had left him in the dust. She fell for a little while, wondering if there was an end, until she saw a small light before her that grew steadily larger. She fell into a room and her descent slowed until she was drifting to the ground. She landed lightly on her feet, staring around the dim room. The lights came on with a soft _click_, and it took her eyes a minute to adjust.

She was surrounded by cameras and there were stage lights placed in strategic positions around her. She blinked as she spotted Red XIII sitting behind one of the cameras, wearing a green beret atop his mane.

"Okay, sugar, when I say action, I want you to flip over on your back and display your belly to the world. After that, the music will start and one of our trained actors will take it from there, got it?" He didn't wait for a reply before he yelled "ACTION!" in his gruff voice.

The camera was rolling, and Yuffie didn't movie. After a few moments, Nanaki yelled "CUT!" and glared at her with his one yellow eye. "What did you not understand about that, sweetcakes?" Yuffie shrugged, absolutely baffled. "I know you're not as stupid as all that, so we're gonna do this again, 'kay hun? Okay, _ACTION!_"

Yuffie did as she was told this time, the deities only knew why. She laid down and rolled over onto her back with her limbs splayed out in every direction. A pair of feet in spike-heeled, strappy shoes walked into view for her peripheral vision and she looked up the impressively leather-clad body of Cloud Strife. She was about to enquire what the fuck he was wearing when a cold breeze swept through and she realized _all of her clothes were gone_. She tried to cover herself but Cloud smacked her in the thigh with a riding crop. She yelped, curling into the fetal position.

"Yuffie, it's not time for you to come out of the closet," Cloud growled angrily. "You've been a very bad girl, and it's time for…"

She stared at him and gulped. "Time for what?"

His blue eyes glittered darkly as he gave her a very evil grin. "…your _punishment_."

Yuffie squealed as Cloud hauled her to her feet and dragged her across the room, ignoring her kicking and screaming. He opened a nearby door and shoved her in forcefully. She whirled in the extremely small space, but it slammed shut, and the click of a lock followed shortly after, ringing in her ears. She beat on the door frantically, but to no avail. No one came to get her and the door did not yield. A glow erupted behind her and she turned around, only to find that a pile of clothes was sitting there, beckoning to her enticingly. Hurriedly, she slipped into the huge black pants, the huge black shirt, and fastened the huge red cape around her neck. Just as she finished dressing herself, the door opened again.

Vincent's face appeared in the space between the door and the doorframe. "Yuffie?" He looked puzzled. "What are you doing in my closet?" He pulled her out by the hand into the bright light of his bedroom. She looked at him and realized with horror that he was stark naked.

"Yuffie, you're wearing my clothes," he said with a frown. "Give them back to me."

Yuffie shook her head mutely, clutching at the clothes and backing away. Her knees buckled as they hit a level surface and she fell backward onto a springy material.

"Oh, well, if that's the way you want to do it," Vincent shrugged, moving forward. She backed up, scrambling across what she realized was his bed, but the thing was suddenly impossibly long, and Vincent was gaining on her. She got up, tried to run, but her foot caught in the sheets, tangling helplessly. Vincent pounced on her, straddling her hips. She screamed, frantically trying to get away as Vincent tore the clothes off from her body.

He stared down at her nude form, leaned in close, and started nibbling her ear. She initially tried to push at his chest, but then found that she was running her hands over his skin as he made appreciative noises low in his throat. She let her eyelids slip down.

"My eyes, MY EYES!" someone yelled. Yuffie's head snapped over to the right, where the bedroom door was. A giant yellow screwdriver was standing there, screaming at them to stop, cease, and desist.

-.-

Yuffie sat up in bed with a start, panting and clutching her heart like a dying woman. Sweat soaked her sheets, her pyjamas, and her skin, and her hair clung to her face in sopping strands. She ran a hand through it, making it stand on end as she tried to steady her breathing. It was just a dream. _Just a dream, just a dream, just a dream,_ she repeated to herself over and over.

She woke to the same mantra, and went to sleep to the same mantra for two more weeks. Unfortunately for Yuffie, they did not stop the dreams from coming every night, in different forms, always ending with Vincent naked and touching her. She woke every night in a cold sweat.

Then, one day, her phone rang. It was Cid, and they were all being called together to go save Gongaga from man-eating Venus flycatchers. She rolled her eyes. Citizens today. Couldn't they learn how to wield a weapon and defend themselves? Sheesh. Use pitchforks for crying out loud! What happened to the good old days when villagers burned witches and attacked everything that looked remotely threatening?

The _Shera_ picked her up shortly after the call, having already been on its way, and they spent all day weeding out the pesky plants. They weren't finished by nightfall, and had decided to park the airship a few miles away from the forest and spend the night in their quarters so they could finish the next day.

Yuffie went to sleep and had another fitful rest, the dreams plaguing her for what seemed like hours. She woke several times during the night, and when it was finally time for breakfast, she was seen to be rubbing her eyes blearily as she stepped onto the main deck of the ship.

"Hey, Yuffie, one of the villagers sent us free breakfast as thanks for helping them exterminate this man-eating plant problem," Tifa informed her. "Pick your poison!" She gave Yuffie a chipper grin. Yuffie just glared, cranky and tired.

She took her seat in one of the fold-out chairs sitting at the card table someone had procured. Tifa, sensing that something was amiss and not taking Yuffie's dark looks to heart, spooned some scrambled eggs and bacon onto her plate. Yuffie stared at it a moment before nodding at Tifa and digging in slowly.

It was only a little while before Cid decided he had to be annoying. He always had to do it in the early morning, when Yuffie least appreciated it. He looked at her intently across the table before proclaiming loudly, "Woman, you look like you been run over by a fuckin' herd of chocobos."

Yuffie shot daggers at him with her eyes, clearly not amused. "Shut up, Cid."

"Hmmm…didn't get enough sleep, eh?" He was digging now, clearly interested as to why she was so tired.

"None of your business, old man." She stuffed her face full of bacon to avoid having to speak.

"…I can think of plenty of reasons why someone would be up all night," he said with an odd gleam to his blue eyes. She swallowed suddenly and painfully, choking on the crispy meat. Tifa, from her place to Yuffie's right, thumped her on the back in a concerned, motherly way.

"Are you all right?" she tried to ask the young ninja. But her voice was drowned out by Yuffie's yelling.

"YOU DIRTY OLD COOT!"

He fluttered his eyelashes at her innocently. "What? I jus' sayin' that you were up late, readin' on how better to run your country when dear ol' dad steps down from the throne."

Her eyes widened and she went back to eating with renewed fervor, hoping she hadn't just given something away.

"Why? You got somethin' to hide?" He smirked at her.

Too late. Shit.

"I…uh…no, I mean…" Her eyes darted from face to face. First she looked at Cloud to Cid's right, but oh, god that was too embarrassing, but Nanaki was sitting to Cid's left, and oh, shit her face was _tomato-red_. And then Barret was asking her what was wrong and she was sure her head was going to explode. Ah, crap, Vincent walked in and stared in confusion at the scene that was beginning.

"Oh, Yuffie's got a dirty secret, wonder what it could be," Cait Sith said in a singsong voice.

"Yeah, Yuffie, you got yo'self a boyfriend or somethin'?" Barret needled her.

"Somebody's got skeleton's in their closet!" Cid proclaimed. At the word "closet," Yuffie couldn't take it anymore. She snapped.

"BARRET LIKES FLUFFY BUNNIES!" she burst out. Silence reigned as the words ricocheted off the metal walls of the deck, repeating in their ears until it died out.

"Barret…what?" Tifa repeated, staring at her.

Crap. The cat was out of the bag now. The cat was out of the bag and it was coughing up hairballs with a sickening vengeance. She had no choice but to make a quick exit.

She tried to leap out of her seat like the ninja she was, but Barret grabbed her by the arm and forced her down, growling "_What did you say?_" in her ear.

"I…I said…Barret likes fluffy bunnies." She looked at the floor, trying not to look anyone in the face, for fear of dying of mortification.

"How…what are you talking about, Yuffie?" Cloud asked her.

"AND YOU!" she screeched, pointing an accusing finger at him, face wild. "YOU HAVE WHIPS AND CHAINS! You wear THONGS!"

Cloud jumped up from his seat and leaned across the table to Cait Sith. "You _swore_ you wouldn't tell!" he hissed."

"I didn't!" Cait Sith cried. "Why would I want anyone to know about what we do when—" Cloud cut him off by tackling him across the table. Tifa stood up with fire in her eyes.

"When. You. _What?_" she spat. Cloud and Cait Sith looked at each other fearfully as Tifa advanced on them.

"AND…AND…"

"And _what_, Yuffie?"

"I SAW VINCENT NAKED!"

Vincent, for his part, looked absolutely shocked. Everyone froze, staring at the gunslinger like he might just turn into Chaos right then and there and rip her apart.

"Yuffie—" Vincent began.

"I'M SO SORRY! I LIKED IT! I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!"

He blinked, eyes widening fractionally, stopping dead in his tracks as he tried to process it.

"You have such a _nice ass_," she moaned, dropping her head. They all gaped at her, open mouthed and speechless.

"Wait…" Cid finally said. "How in the blue fuckin' blazes do you know all this shit?"

She gazed at him fearfully. "I went exploring in the air vents and found everyone's rooms. I wish I had never done it."

"Why, you _little—_" Cloud snarled, advancing on her. Tifa was not far behind, but her sights were set on the spiky-haired hero, not Yuffie.

"RED LOOKS AT KITTY PORN! KITTY _AND_ DOGGY PORN!" Yuffie wailed, clawing at her face, attempting to save herself from being torn limb from limb.

Red stared at her with what she imagined was a horrified expression for him, and everyone else stared at Red with expressions that she _knew_ were horrified for them. Cid's eye twitched. "That's…fuckin'…"

"What?" Red growled. "I have needs to, you know. I have hormones. I am a living being too. What do you people want from me?"

This started a whole different heated argument, and in the confusion, Barret released her now slightly-bruised arm and she tried to slink away. Just as she reached the door, Vincent grabbed her and yanked her into the hallway.

"Vincent, I'm—"

"Did you mean what you said?"

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to—"

"Yuffie. Did you _mean what you said?_" he enunciated.

She swallowed hard, gazing into the hot red of his irises. "…yes."

"Good."

"What do you m—"

His mouth was on hers and he was pushing her against the wall and then pulling her down the hall and then they were in his bedroom and he was closing the door behind them and pushing her onto the bed _oh, that felt really, really good…_

"Vincent," she said, squirming, "why are you—oh, yeah, right _there_—I don't understand what's…ah, that's interesting…"

Vincent stopped sucking on her neck long enough to pant, "I was just waiting…for the right moment to…make a move. I didn't think…you were interested…"

And then Yuffie's wildest dreams, so to speak, came true.

The screwdriver was not pleased at being thrown about on the floor with her shorts. Not pleased at all.


End file.
